Update-Dr's appointment.

We had another Dr's appointment today, to follow with Dr Fackler from last week. Of course, at that point, when he did the last sonogram, he had told us that there was a blood clot in my unterus, and wasn't sure that I would miscarry, but it was possible.

So, today when he came in, he was very sweet, and asked me how we were doing. I told him that we were doing ok. He then asked me what had been happening since last Monday and of course, I explained to him everything that happened after I left their office last week, and he got the most sypathetic look on his face. He just truly is a genuinely sweet gentleman. Anyway... so he did another ultrasound and said that, yes, everything was gone. It appeared that, from what he could tell, a complete miscarriage had taken place. I pretty much already knew this, and have been dealing with these feelings for a week, but even though I knew this already, I still cried. So, he basically just reminded me that we need to grieve for this baby and we need for our hearts to mourn, and spiritually heal. He then got to the important part... he said that he wants us to have 2 periods before we acutally start "trying" again, and that is including the period that came along with the miscarriage. So... once I have my next "flow"(his words... not mine! I found that funny...) we can start trying again, and he said to call him asap.

My main question was when he did the last sonogram, he said that there were blood clots present, and if I should be worried about this. He said that no, since we did miscarry... the blood clots were basically from the miscarriage that was taking place. At the time, he just couldn't say that at the time, because he just wasn't sure that was what was happening. Thank goodness!

He did say that he could see a cyst on my cervix, but he said that is nothing at all to worry about.

So... now to look to the future. I am not going to be afraid of trying again... there is a reason for all of this, and God will bless us for being strong in faith.

Again, I appreciate all of my dear friends that I have made through this blog, and can't express enough how much your encouragement means to me. God bless you all, and I love you!

Nigthtime...

Why is it, that when it is time for bed... I am ready to go to sleep, but of course, that is when my minds gets going. I just can't turn it off. I have found that since things started happening last Friday, nighttime is when I have the hardest time. I just start thinking about everything, and just really can't turn my thoughts off. I wish there were an on and off button, just so that I can get a restful sleep.

There are a lot of things that I want to write here, but I am having a really hard time putting it into words in this post. I am just remembering that a little over a week ago, I went to bed on New Year's day, feeling pregnant, happy, and anticipating the coming year, imagining what our new little bundle of joy would add to our family. Picturing the day, in another hot August afternoon, that we would make the drive home to bring home our little baby Mc. Boy or girl(of course, secretly, I was really wishing for a girl....), we would bring them into our house, and introduce Grace to her new brother or sister. And now... one week later, I am being forced to see reality. However...

I still have that picture in my head... of course. I am not letting go of that dream. I am not going to be afraid to try again. I am not going to let my fears get the better of me.

As my dear "Phat Girlz" like to remind me, God is good, all the time... and I know that I will be a momma again, Doug will be a daddy, and Gracie will be the best big sister ever!

So... I am going to try to get back to bed. Right now... my time it is 12:10 am. Physically, I am tired, but mentally... I am anything but tired. I am going to try though. Here goes nothing... Good night. :)

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow...

So, yesterday I went to have more blood drawn for the hormone levels that they want to double check. I was in a really good place yesterday. I was focusing on the positive, trying to remember what I have been saying myself, if I am going to miscarry, which, I was pretty certain that I am, then there is a reason for it. I don't know the reason... of course, I am going to ask why, but it is not for me to know right now. I have to reassure myself that God is in control, and that for some reason, he knew/knows what was better for us in this situation.

And now, we are at today... not really in the best frame of mind. We got the call today, that, since this all started back on Friday, I have been dreading. It was the call saying that my hCG levels have gone from being over 12,000 to being 3,800. Yep... it is nearly over. On one level, I am glad to know. On the other hand... I know that I was still holding on to that last ray of hope, thinking that maybe there was still a slim chance that our baby was still safe, and that maybe this could still end on a happy note; however, those hopes were dashed. It is the saddest that I have felt. I feel this extreme sense of loss, a slight bit of anger, and just plain disappointment. I have gone through the feelings of wanting to know what I did wrong, knowing that I really didn't do anything wrong.

As for tomorrow... who knows. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day... I need to make it a good day. Tomorrow we are celebrating my beautiful niece/baby cousin Abby's 13th birthday. We are going to see the movie "Bride Wars", and hopefully will get my mind off of all of this. At least for 2 hours.

Please continue to pray for our family... Myself, Doug, Gracie... the Mammaw's and the Pappaw's and the Grandma and Grandpa's, and all of the Aunt's and Uncles and cousin's that had already began to love this little baby, that is now in the arms of Jesus.

On a side note... my sister in law Jess was telling me last night that they broke the news to my sweet nephew Ian. She said that he started crying and just asked his mommy why... and she said this, which honestly, has comforted me, as much as my precious nephew... "Well, Ian, you remember your great Mammaw Crawford, well... God just thought that Mammaw needed a little baby to bounce on her knee until we all get to Heaven to meet them again. This was a gift your great Mammaw and Pappaw!"

I think that is a cool way to picture it myself.

Dr appointment update

Hi everyone. I appreciate all of your sweet thoughts, prayers and concerns, as well as checking up on me. I did have my Dr appointment yesterday, and unfortunately, I don't have a lot of great news to report. I will start from the beginning. *** Disclaimer*** I am going to be pretty honest, and I apologize for any grossness. :)

We got to the Dr's office about 15 minutes early, and signed it. After an hour and a half of waiting, (they were really busy and I was lucky to even get in) we finally got to see the Dr. I really love my Dr. He is sooo kind and very sympathetic. He was actually on the cover of Cincinnati Magazine for Top Doctors. He is the best! Anyway...

So, he came in and we talked for a few minutes, and I could tell by the way that he looked, when I said that I was still bleeding that he was not happy about what was going on. He did an internal sonogram, and when he started looking around, I could tell that this was not really going to be one of those really happy sonograms, where I would be going away afterwards with a cute little picture of our precious peanut. What he was seeing was this large dark spot on the sonogram screen, which he says turned out to be a blod clot. There were two rather large spots on the sonogram screen, and he said that from what he could tell, the second of the 2 spots was actually the ebryotic development. He said that he could not detect a heartbeat, but that could have just been maybe because I was not as far along as I was thinking that I was. So... he wanted me to have a blood test, and they would check my hCG levels, and then I would have to come back on Wednesday, and they would do another blood test. He said that if the levels double, then there is a baby. But... if the levels go down at all, then I am, or have, miscarried. He did say that I would be having some cramping with the passing of the blood clots, and if I was miscarrying, then it could be pretty severe.

After our appointment, mom and I went to have lunch at Red Robin's, and as good as that place is, it really didn't cheer me up at all. Go figure.

Once we finally got home, I set up residence in my trusty recliner and that is when it started. I started feeling these unbelievable cramps. I am pretty sure, that if I had gone into labor with Grace(I had a C-section, and never had a single contraction), this is what it would have felt like. I began to pass the clots that he said that I would. It was definitely an uncomfortable situation. I began passing several really large clots, and as far as I know, that was all that they were. The "contractions" lasted for about 2 hours, on and off every couple of minutes, and then once they stopped, I have just continued on like a fairly normal period, which is also what the Dr said I would be doing.

Now... as for the emotional part, I am not really sure how I am doing. I have cried a lot, and of course, just asked why, but then, I rationalize it as, it was just not in God's plans for us right now. God has us in His hands, and knows why this is happening. Some day, I will know, but for now, I have to focus on several facts. First, I have an absolutely BEAUTIFUL little girl, that I need to be strong for and take care of. Second, we should be able to try again, which I am sure that my husband will be very happy about. :) And third, it is going to be ok. I have to trust that He know what he is doing, and if I am faithful, it will be ok.

Thank you all for your prayers, and continued prayers throughout our bump in the road. I love you all, and will hopefully have some more definitely news on Thursday. :)

Still need that prayer...

Update:
Just wanted to let everyone know that I have a Dr's appointment today at noon. It is in God's hands! Thank you and talk to you all soon. :)

Original Post:
So, it is day 3 and I am still spotting. Please pray for me and this precious baby. I believe that I have taken for granted that I would just be able to carry this baby, because I had such an easy pregnancy with Grace. I am truly scared... I know that this can be completely normal, and the fact that I am not cramping and my spotting is not as bad as it could be, I am just frightened and waiting for the shoe to drop. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Please... say a prayer. I know that this is in God's hands and he can stop this. Thank you and sorry that I am letting this take over my blog... hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get into my Dr, A.S.A.P, and will be able to find out, one way or another, what is going on. Thanks and will keep you all posted tomorrow.

Love,
C

Scared...

Hello friends... I am requesting that everyone that reads this blog, please pray for me. I am scared to death... I started spotting today. It is very light, and I have not had any cramping yet, so my Dr feels that I just need to put my feet up and I will try to come and see them on Monday morning. I am very nervous... I was so blessed while pregnant with Grace to not have to deal with this scary part of pregnancy. I know that it is very common to have some bleeding, but it is scary none the less. So... please pray for me today. I know that worrying will not help at all, so please pray for my nerves and just that God watch over me and Baby Mac #2!

Thank you!