Day 7-January 7th

I know that this picture looks like Doug is about to perform some kind of surgery on our cat Sugar, but he was just going to trim her nails. :)

OK.... yes, that is my bra around my daughter's neck and shoulders. Don't ask!

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow...

So, yesterday I went to have more blood drawn for the hormone levels that they want to double check. I was in a really good place yesterday. I was focusing on the positive, trying to remember what I have been saying myself, if I am going to miscarry, which, I was pretty certain that I am, then there is a reason for it. I don't know the reason... of course, I am going to ask why, but it is not for me to know right now. I have to reassure myself that God is in control, and that for some reason, he knew/knows what was better for us in this situation.

And now, we are at today... not really in the best frame of mind. We got the call today, that, since this all started back on Friday, I have been dreading. It was the call saying that my hCG levels have gone from being over 12,000 to being 3,800. Yep... it is nearly over. On one level, I am glad to know. On the other hand... I know that I was still holding on to that last ray of hope, thinking that maybe there was still a slim chance that our baby was still safe, and that maybe this could still end on a happy note; however, those hopes were dashed. It is the saddest that I have felt. I feel this extreme sense of loss, a slight bit of anger, and just plain disappointment. I have gone through the feelings of wanting to know what I did wrong, knowing that I really didn't do anything wrong.

As for tomorrow... who knows. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day... I need to make it a good day. Tomorrow we are celebrating my beautiful niece/baby cousin Abby's 13th birthday. We are going to see the movie "Bride Wars", and hopefully will get my mind off of all of this. At least for 2 hours.

Please continue to pray for our family... Myself, Doug, Gracie... the Mammaw's and the Pappaw's and the Grandma and Grandpa's, and all of the Aunt's and Uncles and cousin's that had already began to love this little baby, that is now in the arms of Jesus.

On a side note... my sister in law Jess was telling me last night that they broke the news to my sweet nephew Ian. She said that he started crying and just asked his mommy why... and she said this, which honestly, has comforted me, as much as my precious nephew... "Well, Ian, you remember your great Mammaw Crawford, well... God just thought that Mammaw needed a little baby to bounce on her knee until we all get to Heaven to meet them again. This was a gift your great Mammaw and Pappaw!"

I think that is a cool way to picture it myself.

Happy National De-lurking Week!

Hello my blogging friends! Did you know that January 4-10 is considering National De-Lurking Week? Well, I didn't either until I was browsing another friends blog and saw her post about it.

In honor of National De-Lurking Week, I wanted to offer to anyone out there who reads my blog under the radar to come out of hiding and leave me a comment. I would love to know who is reading my blog...if you leave me a comment, I'll hop over to your blog and say hi to you!So all you lurkers out there, feel free to stop by and say hi. I'd love to meet you :-)

And.. if you want to be a follower... that is really cool too! :-)

Quote...

I don't know who said it, but my aunt posted this on her facebook just days before I started spotting. She put the quote up saying... ..."When God takes something from your grasp He's likely opening your hands to receive something better."

What a beautiful saying... I am going to write this on my heart, so that when I get down about what we are going through, I will remember this saying. Thanks Aunt Cathy... I love you my dear Ginger! :)

Day 6- January 6th

Day 5- January 5th

This is a photo of my daughter chasing my cat around, however, my cat is actually much faster on all fours than Grace is. Of course, to the left you can see my mom telling, yelling at my cat for jumping up in the recliner where she had been sitting and almost laid on her blanket that she used while staying the night to help out while I have been not feeling well.

Sorry I am a day late, and only have one picture for today though. :)

Dr appointment update

Hi everyone. I appreciate all of your sweet thoughts, prayers and concerns, as well as checking up on me. I did have my Dr appointment yesterday, and unfortunately, I don't have a lot of great news to report. I will start from the beginning. *** Disclaimer*** I am going to be pretty honest, and I apologize for any grossness. :)

We got to the Dr's office about 15 minutes early, and signed it. After an hour and a half of waiting, (they were really busy and I was lucky to even get in) we finally got to see the Dr. I really love my Dr. He is sooo kind and very sympathetic. He was actually on the cover of Cincinnati Magazine for Top Doctors. He is the best! Anyway...

So, he came in and we talked for a few minutes, and I could tell by the way that he looked, when I said that I was still bleeding that he was not happy about what was going on. He did an internal sonogram, and when he started looking around, I could tell that this was not really going to be one of those really happy sonograms, where I would be going away afterwards with a cute little picture of our precious peanut. What he was seeing was this large dark spot on the sonogram screen, which he says turned out to be a blod clot. There were two rather large spots on the sonogram screen, and he said that from what he could tell, the second of the 2 spots was actually the ebryotic development. He said that he could not detect a heartbeat, but that could have just been maybe because I was not as far along as I was thinking that I was. So... he wanted me to have a blood test, and they would check my hCG levels, and then I would have to come back on Wednesday, and they would do another blood test. He said that if the levels double, then there is a baby. But... if the levels go down at all, then I am, or have, miscarried. He did say that I would be having some cramping with the passing of the blood clots, and if I was miscarrying, then it could be pretty severe.

After our appointment, mom and I went to have lunch at Red Robin's, and as good as that place is, it really didn't cheer me up at all. Go figure.

Once we finally got home, I set up residence in my trusty recliner and that is when it started. I started feeling these unbelievable cramps. I am pretty sure, that if I had gone into labor with Grace(I had a C-section, and never had a single contraction), this is what it would have felt like. I began to pass the clots that he said that I would. It was definitely an uncomfortable situation. I began passing several really large clots, and as far as I know, that was all that they were. The "contractions" lasted for about 2 hours, on and off every couple of minutes, and then once they stopped, I have just continued on like a fairly normal period, which is also what the Dr said I would be doing.

Now... as for the emotional part, I am not really sure how I am doing. I have cried a lot, and of course, just asked why, but then, I rationalize it as, it was just not in God's plans for us right now. God has us in His hands, and knows why this is happening. Some day, I will know, but for now, I have to focus on several facts. First, I have an absolutely BEAUTIFUL little girl, that I need to be strong for and take care of. Second, we should be able to try again, which I am sure that my husband will be very happy about. :) And third, it is going to be ok. I have to trust that He know what he is doing, and if I am faithful, it will be ok.

Thank you all for your prayers, and continued prayers throughout our bump in the road. I love you all, and will hopefully have some more definitely news on Thursday. :)