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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow...

So, yesterday I went to have more blood drawn for the hormone levels that they want to double check. I was in a really good place yesterday. I was focusing on the positive, trying to remember what I have been saying myself, if I am going to miscarry, which, I was pretty certain that I am, then there is a reason for it. I don't know the reason... of course, I am going to ask why, but it is not for me to know right now. I have to reassure myself that God is in control, and that for some reason, he knew/knows what was better for us in this situation.

And now, we are at today... not really in the best frame of mind. We got the call today, that, since this all started back on Friday, I have been dreading. It was the call saying that my hCG levels have gone from being over 12,000 to being 3,800. Yep... it is nearly over. On one level, I am glad to know. On the other hand... I know that I was still holding on to that last ray of hope, thinking that maybe there was still a slim chance that our baby was still safe, and that maybe this could still end on a happy note; however, those hopes were dashed. It is the saddest that I have felt. I feel this extreme sense of loss, a slight bit of anger, and just plain disappointment. I have gone through the feelings of wanting to know what I did wrong, knowing that I really didn't do anything wrong.

As for tomorrow... who knows. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day... I need to make it a good day. Tomorrow we are celebrating my beautiful niece/baby cousin Abby's 13th birthday. We are going to see the movie "Bride Wars", and hopefully will get my mind off of all of this. At least for 2 hours.

Please continue to pray for our family... Myself, Doug, Gracie... the Mammaw's and the Pappaw's and the Grandma and Grandpa's, and all of the Aunt's and Uncles and cousin's that had already began to love this little baby, that is now in the arms of Jesus.

On a side note... my sister in law Jess was telling me last night that they broke the news to my sweet nephew Ian. She said that he started crying and just asked his mommy why... and she said this, which honestly, has comforted me, as much as my precious nephew... "Well, Ian, you remember your great Mammaw Crawford, well... God just thought that Mammaw needed a little baby to bounce on her knee until we all get to Heaven to meet them again. This was a gift your great Mammaw and Pappaw!"

I think that is a cool way to picture it myself.

3 comments:

momof2beautifulgirls said...

Candace,
I am so sorry to hear this. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. And God does have great things in store for you... Maybe you will get those twins....

Stephanie, RN BSN (to be!) said...

Oh Candace, I'm so sorry to hear your news. I am amazed by your strength and trust expressed in this post and admire your faith during a sad time.

Would you feel comfortable giving me your address? I'd love to send you something...if you're comfortable, that is! If you'd like, feel free to email me at stephcolts2129@hotmail.com

marshan said...

Candace, I'm so sorry. If there is anything at all I can do.....let me know. I'll be praying for you guys.