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Friday, January 23, 2009

Stress, anxiety, sadness, frustration...

Yesterday I had, what I was hoping to be my last, blood test to check that stupid HCG level. Well, I got a call this morning saying that it is down to 12.8, and they want it under 5 before they stop testing me. This is soooo frustrating. It has been 3 weeks! Why is this taking so long? There are so many things that I want to say, talk about, cry about and just... get out, and I can't find the freaking words to do it. I guess you could call this one of those bad days.

We tried, by not "preventing" it, for almost a year, and then about 6-9 months of real "trying" before we actually got pregnant with Grace. So, this time, when after only a month of "not not trying", and we got pregnant, I really thought that maybe this time it just wasn't going to be that hard. But then, the miscarriage, and now I just don't know what to think. I am trying really hard to be positive, but deep down, I am just still hurting so badly. And... for everyone who knows me(in real life) or has read my other blog knows that I deal with food issues. My issue is that I use it to fill a void. Well, I have literally been feeding myself silly trying to take away my anxieties over getting pregnant again, and when I will become pregnant, and if what happened this time will happen next time. I have literally fallen off the Weight Watcher's wagon, and I have jumped right back onto the "Fat Girl and loving it" wagon. I know I am just feeding my frustrating feelings and hurt heart. I know that I need to get back on the WW wagon, but right now, I can't even see it.

So... that is all that I have to say. That... and this, please pray for me. I am having a rough day.

Also... if you stop by and read this, please leave me a comment. Your comments always make me feel better!


Stephanie, RN BSN (to be!) said...

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with the miscarriage. I can only imagine how sad this whole ordeal has been for you and your husband. Just know prayers are coming your way (and a package on Monday or Tuesday...I Priority mailed it today!)

And I totally understand the food issue. I'd love to share my story with you; we have a lot in common.

karina said...

(((((hugs))))) my new bloggy friend. Miscarriage is SO hard, and it doesn't go away as soon as you'd like to think it will. I'm sure your numbers will be down next time. They just like to make sure.

For me, we had fertility issues, so I had always counted out the weeks and due date well in advance. All the emotions struck me again and again on those milestone weeks. I think that's why planning a memorial service on the due date was so healing for me. The planning gave me something to focus on, but the day itself was a day for me to release all the "What would have beens". FIve years later I still think of those babies and how old they would be, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Give yourself time. It's ONLY been 3 weeks. No matter how far along you were, you lost a BABY. You lost the future of knowing who that baby would be. You lost a lifetime of memories that will never be made. That's HUGE, and you CAN get through it, but it's going to take time. Let yourself grieve.

I really don't feel qualified to comment about the food issues. I have very little experience and don't want to say anything hurtful or dumb in my ignorance. But many heartfelt (((hugs))).

blessings, Karina.