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Thursday, February 5, 2009

A little sad...

So, I wasn't going to post anything about this, but decided that since today it has been a month since the miscarriage, it was only fitting to write about this today. And then... from here on, I don't know if I will write much more about our loss.

First of all... the real reason that I am a little sad today was because I went to the Dr on Monday for another blood draw, because my last draw was still showing a 12.8 hcg level, so they wanted to make sure that it was down to zero(or less than 5, anyway). Ok... so I went and had that done, then Tuesday I went to go help my mom and take her to the Dr, so I wasn't here to get a call about my levels. Well, that night I got snowed in over at mom's house, so I was expecting for Doug to get a message that night when he got home. No message. So, in my head... since I still haven't had a period since everything(yeah... I know it has only been a month, but still it was in my head...) I was thinking maybe there is a chance that I could already be pregnant, and my levels would show really high again, and just by some chance... they weren't calling because of something like that. So... last night when I got home, and there still wasn't a message from the Dr's office, I let myself hope for that again. Now... mind you, we are not supposed to be trying until after I had my next cycle, but still... if it were meant to be, it was meant to be. Anyway... long story short, I just called and they said that my levels were down to 2.0, which is exactly where they wanted them.

It was not exactly what I was wanting to hear. I think I was just really hoping that there was some miracle, and that by chance, we were already pregnant again.

It was just a bit of a bummer.

On top of everything else... this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Well... I have been thinking a lot, and this is something that I just need to get off my chest. So... to that, here is what I am going to say:

That moment back in December, when we got that first positive pregnancy test, Doug and I were more thrilled than one person could imagine. As soon as we saw those 2 pink lines, we had already fallen in love with our new baby that was on his or her way. We began planning the child's future before we ever even saw a heartbeat, felt a single kick, saw their precious face, held him or her in our arms, or even knew what color eyes they had. Of course, it was over before any of that ever was possible, but I have truly believed that it is God's will, and there is something around the corner for us, and we will hold another baby in our arms.

However, just because we never saw a heartbeat, felt that kick, or anything else, does not mean that we did not mourn, or cry, or grieve for that little child. That baby was just as real to us as our beautiful Gracie is. After we found out that we lost our baby, I was very worried about Doug. He is very guarded with his feelings, and where I was able to cry, he held it in. Nighttime was hard on him as well. He was so strong for me.

Anyway... we are doing this with the help of God, and our families, and we are coping. The days are passing, and yes... life is moving on, but it does not mean that we have forgotten our precious little baby that we hoped and dreamed about for little over a month(I was estimating that I was about 8 or 9 weeks at the point of the miscarriage). Some days, for me, are harder than the other... like if I am going through pictures and see a picture of the day that Grace was born, I wonder... what would our little angel have looked like? Would he or she had blue eyes again like Grace, or would they have had brown like their mommy? Would they have looked more like mommy or daddy... or better yet, been that perfect blend of both of us, like Grace? Would they have had red hair?(of course... secretly, that was what I was hoping for!). We just don't know... and will not until we get to heaven. So until then... we can only imagine.

So... thanks for listening.

Sorry to be so deep today... I promise, later I will try to be a little lighter! :)

Oh... and one more thing... just because I am not pregnant now, doesn't mean that it isn't going to happen... Doug is all about if at first we don't succeed... try and try and try and try again! LOL!


Mom To Six said...

I'm so sorry for your sadness, which is very understandable. I have to say I love your heart and you made my eyes well up reading how you loved your baby even before you ever saw a heartbeat. The good thing is that you do know that you will hold that precious little one again someday and he will be perfect, maybe even with red hair! :)

I'll be praying for you...and rootin' you on. Try, try again!



Emily said...

I am soo sorry for your sadness.. I will keep you in my prayers... Try try try:)

Stephanie RN BSN (to be!) said...

I'm so sorry Candace that you're having a down day. I know that God is going to bless you with another little one very soon.

(Just a side note, though, as a health professional...don't jump into trying to get pregnant right this minute. The Dr. is right; your body needs a little time to recover)

karina said...


I think of you so often. Though it's different for everyone, I remember how hard it was. I also had blood work to make sure my Hcg went down, only mine didn't it hung out between 100 - 200. So, I had to have a D&C. I remember hoping that I would wake up from the D&C and have them tell me that they were wrong and I was still pregnant. I think that's a defense mechanism because losing that life hurts SO much.

You can feel free to talk about it more in the future. It's going to hurt for a while, and if you need to write about it, then write away (after all, it's your blog!) I know we don't know each other, but if you need a friend who has BTDT you can e-mail me. karina11 at juno dot com.

I'll be praying for you and rooting for you as you 'try'!

Lisa said...

Candace, I am praying for you and am so sorry for your lost!